Mommy Judgment - When strong opinions hurt more than help
Posted by Expecting Executive at 6/27/2007 9:44 AM and is filed under Maternity Leave,Child Care,Miscellaneous,General,Well Being,postpartum depression,working mom,Prenatal Care,pregnancy,Feminism,Mental Health,Hot Topic 
I love good advice. I especially value advice from those I respect and admire. I admit, I don't ask for advice enough. But, I am often not sure where to turn. On some issues I have a tendency to seek advice from my family and friends. On other issues I might search the internet, read a book or even pay an "expert." But, what makes an expert? Education? Experience? Popularity? Extreme conviction?
I was simply not prepared for the amount of advice that I would receive when I was pregnant with my first child. But I loved it! I received advice when I announced my pregnancy. I received even more advice when it became obvious I was pregnant. I received advice from family, friends, doctors, nurses, strangers, books, magazines, electronic newsletters, pregnancy and new baby clubs, hospitals, diaper and formula companies, Babies R Us, parenting classes and, well, you get the picture.
I wanted advice. I was an information junkie. I wanted to know everything I could about pregnancy, fetal development, nutrition, environmental factors, infant care, vaccinations, vitamins, secondhand smoke, breastfeeding, SIDS, labor & delivery techniques, delivery recovery, weight loss, birth defects and...well, again, you get the picture. I was sure that my crazed information mining was sure to reward me with a few coveted pearls of wisdom that would allow me to excel at new motherhood. I had information...I was prepared.
Then, my son was born. And that is when advice got ugly.
My labor and my son's delivery were not ideal, my hospital care was disappointing, breastfeeding got complicated and emotional, my return to work experience was a disaster, finding quality childcare was overwhelming and frustrating, lack of sleep and the baby blues transformed me into a sobbing wreck. As I look back on that blurry period of time, I honestly don't recognize much of myself in that new mother who shared my name. My confidence was undermined by my sleep deprived, hormonal and emotional reactions to new motherhood. And, as it turns out, my experience is considered fairly "ordinary" as new mother experiences go.
In my stunned and vulnerable state, I once again reconnected with my problem solving self and searched for advice and information. But this time, the advice was deafening, threatening, insistent and urgent. Patronizing voices warning that advice not taken may result in certain life threatening conditions for my son. It became too much. I shut down. I wanted no more advice. Sylvia Plath was whispering in my ear "I've boarded the train and there's no getting off." Supported by my amazing and also bewildered husband, I was on my own as I stumbled and struggled through my emotional and physical motherhood transition.
Things could have been worse....things could have been better. I am now a comfortable and confident mother.
Now it is my turn to provide some advice. Please stop providing scare tactic and threatening advice to new mothers!!!! Maybe each advice provider should first take an oath that begins with "I promise to make a habit of two things - to kindly offer help, or at least do no harm." I very strongly urge those with passionate opinions to consider the vulnerability and insecurity of the new mother audience. It is acceptable to feel passionate about the benefits of your advice but it is completely unacceptable, unnecessary and potentially harmful to spew out of control vitriol to a new mother (or any mother) for not taking your advice or even disagreeing with it.
I was simply not prepared for the amount of advice that I would receive when I was pregnant with my first child. But I loved it! I received advice when I announced my pregnancy. I received even more advice when it became obvious I was pregnant. I received advice from family, friends, doctors, nurses, strangers, books, magazines, electronic newsletters, pregnancy and new baby clubs, hospitals, diaper and formula companies, Babies R Us, parenting classes and, well, you get the picture.
I wanted advice. I was an information junkie. I wanted to know everything I could about pregnancy, fetal development, nutrition, environmental factors, infant care, vaccinations, vitamins, secondhand smoke, breastfeeding, SIDS, labor & delivery techniques, delivery recovery, weight loss, birth defects and...well, again, you get the picture. I was sure that my crazed information mining was sure to reward me with a few coveted pearls of wisdom that would allow me to excel at new motherhood. I had information...I was prepared.
Then, my son was born. And that is when advice got ugly.
My labor and my son's delivery were not ideal, my hospital care was disappointing, breastfeeding got complicated and emotional, my return to work experience was a disaster, finding quality childcare was overwhelming and frustrating, lack of sleep and the baby blues transformed me into a sobbing wreck. As I look back on that blurry period of time, I honestly don't recognize much of myself in that new mother who shared my name. My confidence was undermined by my sleep deprived, hormonal and emotional reactions to new motherhood. And, as it turns out, my experience is considered fairly "ordinary" as new mother experiences go.
In my stunned and vulnerable state, I once again reconnected with my problem solving self and searched for advice and information. But this time, the advice was deafening, threatening, insistent and urgent. Patronizing voices warning that advice not taken may result in certain life threatening conditions for my son. It became too much. I shut down. I wanted no more advice. Sylvia Plath was whispering in my ear "I've boarded the train and there's no getting off." Supported by my amazing and also bewildered husband, I was on my own as I stumbled and struggled through my emotional and physical motherhood transition.
Things could have been worse....things could have been better. I am now a comfortable and confident mother.
Now it is my turn to provide some advice. Please stop providing scare tactic and threatening advice to new mothers!!!! Maybe each advice provider should first take an oath that begins with "I promise to make a habit of two things - to kindly offer help, or at least do no harm." I very strongly urge those with passionate opinions to consider the vulnerability and insecurity of the new mother audience. It is acceptable to feel passionate about the benefits of your advice but it is completely unacceptable, unnecessary and potentially harmful to spew out of control vitriol to a new mother (or any mother) for not taking your advice or even disagreeing with it.
First time motherhood is complicated, frightening, emotional and unfamiliar and it is incumbent among all of those who would like to support new mothers to keep that in mind. As an advice giver, I promise new mothers that I will do my level best to be kind, understanding, nonjudgmental, encouraging, helpful and supportive.
Be well!
Expecting Executive
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7/9/2007 9:16 AM
wrote:
As a new mother, I have become very aware of the difference between "friendly advice" and "it's my way or else" conversation. I love good advice. But, I don't like to be "yelled at". When giving advice, I prefer kindness please.
I will never forget the most hurtful piece of "helpful" advice I received. It was phrased as an extremely harsh and judgmental comment on my blog. Thankfully, several other mothers sympathized with the feelings I'd expressed, but I still hate to even think of that post and the horrible feelings that resulted.
Thanks for the encouragement and reminder to be nice!
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