Deciding to Have a Baby - Do You Encourage Motherhood?
I read a post last month by Kristen Duzgas on ParentDish.com that has stayed with me. In her article, Describing the Beauty of Parenthood, Kristen describes and opines about a conversation she had with one of her friends who is undecided about having children. In the conversation, Kristen's friend, who is 33, expresses her doubts about whether or not to have children and cites a few things that she was not sure she is willing to sacrifice for motherhood. I thought the conversation sounded too familiar. I also thought it was an interesting choice Kristen made to not share her thoughts and opinions with her friend but decided to share them instead with her ParentDish readers.
I have stunned people when I offer my current personal observation that if I had to choose again, I would not have had a baby. And, if you read some of the comments that readers made in response Kristen's post, I am not alone. Before you say horrible things to me, please note I did not use the word regret. I do not regret that I have my son. I love him dearly and we are very, very close. I am a very good mother.
However, motherhood has been an experience that has asked more from me than I could have prepared to offer. Before having my son, I often considered the sacrifices, and the lifestyle changes, and the physical and emotional requirements of bearing, rearing, nurturing and supporting a child and wondered about "motherhood and me". For many years I was skeptical. I waited and waited and waited. I got married, and I still waited. Then, I divorced and was very happy I waited. My career took off. I traveled the world, for fun and for business. I bought a house. I bought impractical vehicles. I saved for retirement. I volunteered. I exercised. I slept in. I was focused on me, a confident, attractive, smart and strong woman. And, I was happy, really happy.
Then, I fell in love. Lifetime lasting love.
I was 30.
I had a completely unfamiliar and urgent desire to have a baby with this man. I wanted a baby.
I had a son at 33.
My life turned upside down.
I thought I was prepared. I read all of the books. I surrounded myself with support. On paper, I was ready for motherhood. Before and during my pregnancy, you could not have convinced me that I was not prepared for motherhood. I helped raise my brothers and sisters. My first car was a minivan that came with a soccer schedule. I even helped with my youngest brother's birth. I was sure I knew what to expect.
My postpartum experience was a disaster. An absolute disaster. In retrospect, there are many things that I could have done differently that may have eased my motherhood transition. But, even if my initiation into motherhood had been less intense, overwhelming and completely life altering, I don't think it would change my truth that if I had to do everything over again, I would would not have had a baby.
Until now, I have only offered that statement in very private and trusted conversation. That statement has been received as an unbelievable surprise to those who know me . As I mentioned, I am a good mother and there isn't anyone, including my husband or son, who would disagree. The connection and love I have for my son, combined with my ability to properly care for, nurture and teach my son confirms, for me, that I am a good mother. However, it has required tremendous work, unending patience and the gift of time to learn to appreciate and enjoy being a mother. For me, motherhood has been a rocky road.
One of the most surprising things to me was to find out that I am "not a baby person". Prior to having my son, I have vague memories of hearing other women saying they were not "baby people" but I never knew what that meant. I remember thinking, "how can you NOT like a baby"? I LOVED babies. From my non-mother perspective, tiny babies were cute, smelled good and were fun to hold. I had no ability to understand nor appreciate the notion that not everyone enjoys infants. I get that now. But, how was I to know that I would be one of "those people"?
As I shed my tears, I was assured that infancy would quickly enough transition to toddler and for many new parents, that is a welcome transition. For me, that was a very true prediction. There was something almost magical that happened around my son's second birthday that added considerable pleasure for me as a mother. My love of my son was joined by the "like" of my son. At two, I really liked interacting with my son. At two, was no longer a baby, he was a little person. He was talking, walking and purposefully affectionate and engaging. I had always heard troubling stories of the terrible twos, for me, the age two was a well deserved gift. A true relief. A sign of hope, for me. I love to read Amalah's blog and in this post, she shares her moment of "like" for her son. At two, I both loved and liked my son.
My son will be three next month. This morning he crawled into our bed and wiggled himself over to me with the express intention to be snuggled. What a thrill and a gift to wrap my arms around him, smell his sweet smell, stroke is perfect cheeks and whisper how much I love him. These are the moments I cherish and mindfully add to my memory banks. Moments like these often accompany the personal testimonies of many mothers when they refer to the joys of their motherhood experience.
Since the day my son was was born, there has always been love. My feelings of love were thankfully matched with feelings of "like" at age two. And, at age three, I can gratefully include joy. And, if you are wondering, unfortunately, the joy of motherhood cannot be compared. That, of course, is my opinion. Motherhood joy has no equal. It is this joy that I was unwilling to miss when I was 30 and in love.
I now feel and know motherhood joy. But, at this point, motherhood has not been a net positive experience for me. I cannot tell you that I am a better person now than I was before having a child. I cannot tell you that I am a healthier person, wealthier person, happier person or more confident person. I can tell you that I am a wiser person and that I now know the unequaled joy of motherhood. Motherhood joy has come to me with a very heavy cost and I am not willing to offer to any woman who is hesitant or unable to have a child that motherhood joy is an essential life experience.
I was surprised, stunned and saddened that my motherhood transition was so troubled. I have had to work hard, harder than I have worked for anything in my life, to figure out how to emotionally make motherhood work for me. It has been with talk therapy, support from other mothers and using antidepressants to combat postpartum depression that I have been able to emotionally move motherhood from one my weaknesses to one of my strengths. While I knew things would change, I was surprised how drastically motherhood has affected every single aspect of my life. Motherhood has impacted my relationships, my career, my finances, my emotions and my body more that I imagined. Motherhood changes everything.
Because of my experience, I am not shocked by the actions and reactions of Brittany Spears. I am not shocked to hear of women who leave their children. I am not shocked when mothers cry, yell and emotionally breakdown. It does not shock me when mother's go so far to express their frustration, sadness and emotional distress by harming their own children. I am deeply troubled and terribly saddened but not shocked. Our society prefers to speak of motherhood in happy, bubbly tones and tolerates sarcastic frustration. There is an unspoken expectation that if you have given birth to a baby, you should also inherently possess the skills you will need to properly, and joyfully, raise a child. Not all women have those skills and not all women will be able to develop those skills. What does a woman do if she has a baby and is never able to find joy in motherhood? In our society, there is a lifetime of shame associated mothers who place their babies up for adoption, so in many cases emotional and/or physical abuse and neglect are often the result of a better alernative not chosen . But, the complicated issue of placing a child up for adoption is best left for another post.
Thank god for blogs!
Some women transition easily into the motherhood role, some women transition over a longer period of time and some women never make the transition at all.
So, how do we support each other? I think offering personal truth is essential. I firmly believe that respecting a woman's choice to not have children is just as important as supporting a woman's desire to have children. I waffled about adding a child to my life and sat on the proverbial fence for ten years. In retrospect, I think there was some inner wisdom trying to speak to me. In my early twenties, I was sure I did not want children. In my late twenties, I was not sure. In my early thirties, I was in love and did not want to miss the experience of motherhood and I heard the ticking sound of my biological clock loudly. In my early thirties, I had a baby.
I have offered my truth and I will continue to offer my truth to women who ask or seek my story. I do not regret, resent or bemoan being a mother. However, if you asked me about motherhood and if I would do over again, I would tell you no. I would tell you that if I had to do it over again, I would be 36 and still sitting on the fence about becoming a mother.
Until next time, be well.
Erin
ExpectingExecutive
Helping You Manage Life's Details
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You have NO idea how happy I am to read this today. I am very much like you aside from having done so much career-wise before babies, I'm not the 'mom' type and I think it's okay. I adore my kids but it requires a LOT of give on my part...I didn't realize that before. In short, thank you for this honesty, more of us should be so open to help other moms who think they are alone in their feelings.
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Oh how you speak the truth!! You may think you're prepared to have children, but you can't possibly be ready for all the changes that will involve EVERY aspect of your life. Things will never be the same, for better or for worse, for the rest of your life. You never stop being a parent. Women who have lost their children will never stop being a parent. Once you have a child, you become a different person. And, nothing can prepare you for that. What a great post!!
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Hi, Erin. Thank you for this post...I read it on Maya's Mom and thought I'd come here to comment. Much of your truth is mine too. I too thought I was "prepared" on paper for motherhood, but reality was a different story. I have often said that the only thing that didn't change after having kids was my name, address and phone number. And in those early years, I would cry to my husband that I simply wasn't self-less enough to enjoy being a mother.
I only recommend motherhood to those who absolutely without a shadow of a doubt can't imagine their lives without having a child. It is NOT for the undecided. I personally would choose to have my kids again, only because I love them more than I love myself and can't imagine my life without them. But I would choose to be much better prepared going in. Thank you for speaking your truth out loud. Although you may get your share of righteous indignation, I suspect it is a shared but unspoken truth among mothers more than you know.
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everyone thinks i'm fucking crazy when i try to explain to them that i always loved my son and stuff.. but that i LIKE him more and more all the time. like the older he gets, the more cool he is and the more fun he is to be around and share things with. i just wrote it off to me totally not being a typical minded mom and it being rare. i loved reading this. thank you
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I think that it took a tremendous amount of courage to write this post. After all, aren't all women naturally born to be mothers (I'm hoping that the sarcasm is just dripping off of that statement)?
Nothing can really prepare you for motherhood. The best thing that we can all do for each other is to be honest about the experience.
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I've been following your blog for a little while and I just sort of scrolled through today and then BAM! Read the part about "...had to choose again, I would not have had a baby..." I feel this all the time and have felt so guilty about it. My son is 11 months old and each passing month I keep hoping thins will get better. I mean, it does, but I'm still expecting that moment to happen when I'll suddenly wake up one morning and have it NOT be hard. I know its hard raising a child, but it has been a lot harder than what I expected and I am so relieved to know that others are experiencing this as well. Thank you so much for what you wrote today!!!!
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Boy do I identify with your blog post. I wish more mothers were honest about their experiences. There seems to be this blind eye to the fact that motherhood, as well as many other aspects of life, has two sides to it. Just because you have a difficult mother transition, does not mean that you hate your baby or that you wish she wasn't born. We really need to learn to accept women's true feelings during their transitions to motherhood. That's why I have dedicated my time since becoming a mom of twins 3 years ago today! to sharing what I know about becoming a mother for the first-time from my own experiences and from talking with other mothers.
I would be interested in hearing your views on my blog: http://newmomcentral.blogpost.com.
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Reading your entry was so helpful. I have a ten month old daughter who I love with all my heart and soul and am sure would emtionally die if anything happened to her but having said that I find motherhood not only exhausting but not as enjoyable as other mothers I have met. They make it seem so easy like their children can do no wrong or annoy them but I find it very difficult. I thought I was the only person/mother who felt this way and the guilt was killing me. My life is not my life anymore. I am looking forward to the time when my daughter will be able to do things a little more independently and follow the natural course of growing up. Thanks again.
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I always suspected that if I made the choice to bear a child that I would regret it to an extent, and reading this piece has cemented that idea for me.
I had a friend in her 50s recently confess to me that she would not have children if she could choose again, and it was a relief to me who has been given sidelong looks for my feelings about it.
Thank you.
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What a great and powerful blog post! So often the trials and tribulations of motherhood are hidden leaving others to wonder "is it just me?"
Thanks for sharing your thoughts so honestly! I have 2 kids. One that still doesn't sleep well and he's 5. Sleep deprivation nearly killed me. I had to experiment with starting a company just to stay sane!
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Erin,
Thanks for your honesty and openness. I absolutely adore being a mom but as you know I've certainly experienced the pain that can come with being a mom. And I am definitely NOT a baby person. Thank goodness my baby girl is almost two -- she has become such a fun and interesting person.
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Wow. That was very well written. I will have to say, I am 24, married, and on the fence about having kids. I love babies, but I don't know if I want to live the lifestyle to support children. I know it sounds selfish, but it's the truth. That's why I am waiting until I feel stronger one way or the other to make a decision. Thanks for posting this.
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I hated the baby phase, and my husband and I have decided to stop with the little angel. She is nearly four, and I am so much happier as a mother now than when she was four months old. As she's gotten older, she's become a companion, not a responsibility, and that has helped me a lot. But I realized a while ago that I want to have one husband, one cat, one baby and write books. Books are time-consuming, and I feel I'll lose that opportunity forever if I have another child. I've been called selfish to my face for that decision.
I think we should be more honest with each other. I really like this post.
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I would like to acknowledge and thank all the women who shared their feelings about motherhood on this blog. I am mother of a thirteen year old girl. Reading your post and the many comments to it, I suddenly realized how little I understand of women in the 21st century. How little do I know of the psychological burden you are all carrying. A new world opens up for me and for now I still feel like Alice in Wonderland. If I may I'll be back to learn more about your views and visions.
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What a courageous post! Thank you for sharing it. I agree that as a society we depict motherhood as all bubbles and roses. There is a huge differencing between loving your children because they're your children and liking them as people. It drives me nuts that there's these assumptions that first all women want to be mothers, and second that all women are thrilled by being mothers. Being truthful does not make one a bad parent or mean that they love their child any less.
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i totally encourage motherhood
i think it's natural way of life and every woman should think about it one way or another
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This is a very well written and thought provoking post.
All my life I wanted to have children. It took almost 10-years and several tens of thousands of dollars before we were finally successful. When our triplets (gasp!!) turned two, I found out I was pregnant (surprise!!) with our fourth. From my perspective: I LOVE the baby phase. But with four children in diapers and three 3-year-olds, not a day passes that I don't think at some point "What the hell have I gotten myself in to?!"
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This is an incredibly important post. Thank you for being this honest.
Like you I thought I was ready for motherhood. ha! I know now that I knew nothing. I understand completely what you mean by the difference between loving your children and liking them. I can honestly say that I hated motherhood until my daughter was about 6 months old. I really only started to "like" her at around 9 to 10 months.
I said to my husband countless times that I now understand why some mammals eat their young. I do understand how some mothers can do some unthinkable things to their children. I had to step away more than once.
Thank you for this post.
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This is a great post. It takes a lot to just put it all out there. Being a mom is harder than I thought it would be. Although I don't feel the same way you do about it, and didn't have post-partum depression issues, I think it's SO Important to have SUCCESSFUL people talk about how hard it can be. I think that people too often feel that it's a shameful thing to talk about the 'dark side' when it's a side that everyone may find themselves on at one point or another. This is a, once again, well-written and articulate post. I really enjoy your blog.
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Thank you for writing this and for sharing the link on MamaBlogga. I really appreciate your honesty. I'm glad to hear that no matter how much you've done before having a baby, you can still have these feelings (I was only 22 when I became a mother).
I also appreciate your acknowledging that it took time for your to find joy in motherhood. I don't know if I'm there yet, honestly. But I would also point out that when you say your joy came at a great cost that the greater the cost, the greater the joy.
Thank you again for sharing this link!
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Thanks for your honesty. I, like you, am one of those who wasn't/isn't a baby person. I have 3 boyz. My youngest will be 3 in June, and just now I feel like I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 6 years after becoming a mother.
So I get it.
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Erin, thanks for this wonderful and important post. There is so much myth surrounding motherhood, and so much pressure to be the "perfect" mother. I have long suspected that having children is not a good option for me, and it shocks me how many people respond negatively to my decision. I hope that all people do the soul searching that such a life altering decision really requires before taking the plunge. Your son is lucky to have you for a mom.
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Thank, you, thank you, thank you.
Finally, I've read what has been going through my head for 14months now (that's how old my little fella is). Here in Northern California I'm surrounded by "I could sit and stare into my baby's eyes for days" kind of moms who can't think of anything more noble than motherhood. I adore my son, but I miss me.
Thanks again,
Glowmama
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I have often said that I might have another child if I could skip the labor, delivery and first few months of life. I truly loved being pregnant, but motherhood did not click for me -- I did not feel competent, emotionally or physically -- until my son was about nine months old. There are days where I think I might still be mired in postpartum depression, 19 months after giving birth.
Motherhood is a brutal experience. Breathtaking, yes. Joyous, absolutely. One I would not trade, definitely. But you said it well when you said, "cannot tell you that I am a healthier person, wealthier person, happier person or more confident person."
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As I read the last few comments on this interesting post it suddenly occurred to me why I had the feeling as if I heard it all before. The experiences of all these women somehow sounded familiar. You know why ? Because it's men's talk. Apparently being in a situation that is dominated by masculine values women develop manly behavior. I know lots of men who love their children but who are just not fond of small babies. It's easy to imagine that in a situation where a father would be forced to take care of his newborn child would become depressed.
The point is that we can't have it all, we must be conscious of the effects that "e-man-cipation" has on us and be ready to simply give up motherhood. No need for guilt and discomfort. Be who you want to be without compromises, all the way !
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It all sounds perfectly natural to me
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I think it is important that women share their experiences and your honesty has touched a lot of people, Erin. On the other hand, I too feel, like Karen, that the lives of 21st century women are.. different. I wonder did my mother expect to feel in love, or expect to feel joy when she cleaned up my babysick. I think the way 21st century women feel is so natural given that our experiences have been so individual, so filled with choice. Choice is removed when you have children in so, so many ways. Approaching 30, I feel panicked. I know I have a biological urge to have a baby - I know I WANT one with every fibre of my being - but, working in a profession with severely disabled young children, I also knew how badly awry it could go. I've seen the heartache and the exhaustion and I can't imagine walking away from my career that I have worked so hard for.. People here have said that they wished that they could be 'them' again. I have always controlled my own destiny and I know that when a baby comes along, that will no longer be true. I wish in some way that I hadn't had such freedom, grown so selfish in my need for pampering and choice and self-fulfilment that making this decision is so difficult. I doubt very much I will be a 'baby' person (I too have had a lot of time with them) and I hate the thought of how it will change my relationship. Yet I don't want a life solely centred on me. I don't want to grow up alone, be alone, never know the true love that there is in self-sacrifice. We haven't been brought up to believe in that, but I do believe we can't 'have it all'. There's a flip side to everything.
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I have read your comment about 4 times and I admire the way you analyze the way in which we are trying to figure out who we are, what we want and as a matter of fact, why we are here. What questions should we ask ourselves to find out how to make the choice that's right for ourselves, those who we love and society as a whole. Do you think it could help to ask ourselves if we are actually adults ? Are we mature and responsible enough to find the balance between self-care and caring for others ? Can we accept the consequences of the choices we make ? Our grandmothers had certainly less choices then we have now. On the other hand their lives were mostly ruled by tradition and the answers to many questions were found in dogmatic religion and social rules. A while ago I thought I'd find answers in the old traditions but with a whole generation who had abolished these traditions it was impossible to just "reset" my life and live by the "old" rules. Which is good in the end because it forces me to think, to use my creativity, to observe and communicate. I must say that it's a long journey and most likely I won't even find a glimpse of all the answers I seek. But it's worth it, every tiny piece of this jigsaw is a step to being more complete and happier. So thanks, Fiona, for sharing your valuable insights. I'm sure you will make the choices that will work for you !
Love,
Karen
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